Dogs Don't Understand Basic Concepts Like Moving

Packing all of your belongings into a U-Haul and then transporting them across several states is nearly as stressful and futile as trying to run away from lava in swim fins.  


I know this because my boyfriend Duncan and I moved from Montana to Oregon last month.  But as harrowing as the move was for us, it was nothing compared to the confusion and insecurity our two dogs had to endure.  

Our first dog is - to put it delicately - simple-minded.  Our other dog is a neurotic German shepherd mix with agonizingly low self-esteem who has taken on the role of "helper dog" for our simple dog.  Neither dog is well-equipped with coping mechanisms of any kind.  

When we started packing, the helper dog knew immediately that something was going on.  I could tell that she knew because she becomes extremely melodramatic when faced with even a trivial amount of uncertainty.  She started following me everywhere, pausing every so often to flop to the ground in an exaggeratedly morose fashion - because maybe that would make me realize how selfish I was being by continuing to pack despite her obvious emotional discomfort.     


When the soul-penetrating pathos she was beaming at me failed to prevent me from continuing to put things in boxes, the helper dog became increasingly alarmed.  Over the ensuing few days, she slowly descended into psychological chaos.  The simple dog remained unfazed. 


Unfortunately for the helper dog, it took us nearly a week to get everything packed up.  By the time we were ready to begin the first part of our two-day journey to Oregon, she seemed almost entirely convinced that she was going to die at any moment.  She spent the entire car ride drooling and shaking uncontrollably.  


But the simple dog seemed to enjoy the trip. 


Even though she threw up seven times. 


She actually seemed to like throwing up.  To the simple dog, throwing up was like some magical power that she never knew she possessed - the ability to create infinite food.  I was less excited about the discovery because it turned my dog into a horrible, vomit-making perpetual motion machine.  Whenever I heard her retch in the backseat, I had to pull over as quickly as possible to prevent her from reloading her stomach and starting the whole cycle over again.  

But as far as the simple dog was concerned, it was the best, most exciting day of her life.  


It wasn't until we stopped for the night in Umatilla that the simple dog became aware that there was any reason for her to feel anxious.  But at around two o'clock in the morning, the simple dog finally realized that something was different and maybe she should be alarmed.


This particular dog is not anywhere near the gifted spectrum when it comes to solving problems.  In fact, she has only one discernible method of problem solving and it isn't even really a method. 


But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, the simple dog did not understand this concept and she went right ahead and made an interminable amount of noise that was just invasive enough to make sleeping impossible. 

After an hour of failed attempts at comforting the simple dog, her constant, high-pitched emergency-distress-signal became a huge problem.  

I tried to communicate my displeasure to the simple dog, but communicating with the simple dog usually goes like this:


She was going to make that sound forever if she felt it was necessary.  We tried everything from spooning her to locking her in the bathroom, but none of it was even the slightest bit effective.  



The simple dog made the noise all through the night and was still going strong the next morning. When we were loading the dogs into the car, the constant, high-pitched sound emanating from the simple dog finally broke the helper dog.  The helper dog wailed in anguish, which alarmed the simple dog.  In her surprise, the simple dog let out a yelp, which further upset the helper dog.  And so it continued in a wretched positive-feedback loop of completely unnecessary noise.


When we finally arrived at our new house, the dogs had calmed down considerably.  Unfortunately, it had snowed the night before and there was still snow on our front lawn, and that was enough to catapult both dogs back into hysteria.  

The simple dog had either never experienced snow or she'd forgotten that she knew what it was, because when we let her out of the car, she walked around normally for about seven seconds, then she noticed the snow and her feeble little mind short-circuited.


At first, the simple dog was excited about the snow.  She started prancing around the yard like she was the star of a one-dog parade - her recent personal crisis overshadowed by a haze of enthusiasm. 


The prancing turned to leaping and the leaping turned to running chaotically in stupid little circles. Then she just stopped and stared at the ground.  There was a visible shift in her demeanor as she realized that she didn't understand snow and it was everywhere and she should probably be scared of it. She started making the noise again. 


Not surprisingly, the helper dog interpreted the snow as a sign of her imminent demise.  But she was so exhausted from worrying about all of the other signs of her demise that she just gave up and accepted her death.  She peered up at us, half-buried in the snow.  Her eyes were filled with pain and helplessness, as if she thought we had summoned the snow for the sole purpose of making her sad.


We decided that it would probably be best to bring the dogs inside.  

As a condition for allowing us to have dogs in our rental house, our landlady made us promise that we wouldn't let the dogs scratch the wood floors.  We didn't anticipate it being a problem because it hadn't been in the past, but as soon as our dogs set foot in the house, they morphed into perfectly engineered floor-destroying machines.  They started sprinting as fast as they could for absolutely no reason - skittering around in circles to avoid running into the walls.  


We finally corralled them in the bedroom and shut the door to give ourselves a little time to regroup and come up with a plan.  Until we could get some rugs or convince the dogs that it was unnecessary to sprint around chaotically for no reason, we would need to find some way to prevent them from scratching the floors.  What we ended up doing was going to the pet store and buying two sets of sled dog booties. It was the only way.

It is easy to imagine that a dog who has recently experienced a dramatic upheaval of its formerly safe and predictable life might not react well to suddenly having strange objects attached to all four of its feet.  This was most definitely the case with the booties.

The helper dog panicked and started trying to rip the booties off with her teeth. 


I scolded her and she reacted as if I'd ruined her entire life. 


But at least her immobilizing self-pity kept her from chewing the booties off.

The simple dog just stood there and looked at me in a way that would suggest she didn't realize her legs still worked.


They had to wear the booties for two days.  Those two days were filled with the most concentrated display of overemotional suffering I have ever witnessed.  The simple dog spent most of her time standing in the middle of the room looking bewildered and hurt and the helper dog refused to walk, instead opting to flop her way around the house like a dying fish.  


The entire ordeal was punctuated by the simple dog's high-pitched confusion alarm. 

We were beginning to think that our dogs were permanently broken. Nothing we did helped at all to convince the dogs that we had only changed houses and our new house was not, in fact, some sort of death-camp and we weren't actually planning on killing them to fulfill an organ harvest ritual.  Despite our best efforts, they continued to drift around in a sea of confusion and terror, pausing only to look pitiful. 

But while we were unpacking, we found a squeaky toy that was given to us as a gift shortly before we moved.  We offered the toy to the dogs.  This may have been a mistake. 

Upon discovering that the toy squeaked when it was compressed forcefully, the simple dog immediately forgot that she'd ever experienced doubt or anxiety ever in her life.  She pounced on the toy with way more force than necessary, over and over and over.  The logic behind her sudden change in outlook was unclear.   


But at least she was happy again. 

2,471 comments:

1 – 200 of 2471   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

excellent....

Leigh Royals said...

YAY!!!!! FOR THE POST.

Peter said...

This is wonderful. I have to move across the Pacific in 13 days - it's going to be a truly horrendous. Lava burning is preferable.

Alexandra said...

yaay!! love you allie!

smonk said...

made my day! (I haven't even read it yet!)

tnd8863 said...

YAY new post!!!!!!!!!!

Juicy said...

thank you! :) you're so great!

Liz said...

This post made my day. Thank you Allie! :D please post pix of dogs in booties!?

Johnny Utah said...

There we go! Back to hilarious. Your drawing skills are fantastic.

Anonymous said...

I was seriously lol'ing all over the place with this one. So awesome.

Anonymous said...

You made me cry with laughter :-D

Nice Girls Don\'t Swear said...

Oh god, the neverending dog/human sound feedback loop. "I'm making noise!" "You're making noise!" "LOUDER!" "NO, ME LOUDER!" ad infinitum until you're in the corner, crying, and the dog is just happily wagging his tail because you're playing his favorite game.

Toria said...

I'm seriously crying from laughing. I'm not even joking. I love you. What state do you live in now?

Anonymous said...

:DDDDD IM SO HAPPYYY FOR THIS POSTTT HAHA, You're my number one reason for procrastination!

novemberwind said...

Your drawings have become disturbingly detailed. I don't think I can handle real dogs right now. I'm going to flop around like your simple dog thinking about simple shapes. OOOHHH. SOUNDS.

Julia said...

We just moved to a house with hardwood floors and our poor dog, who recently had knee surgery, is sure that it's all some sick joke. I fear one of these nights he will kill me in my sleep.

Jennifer Martin said...

OMG....when we moved from Ohio to North Carolina last year it was the EXACT same drama. Complete with high-pitched noises. You get me, Allie. You just....get me.

kaitlin said...

This is completely brilliant, love it. =)

a lizard! said...

YAY a new post!!11onehundredelevenoneoneoneoneone

you.are.beyond.hilarious.

Anonymous said...

i just cried, i laughed so hard.

Shalene said...

The only time I've ever laughed as hard as I did today to this post, was back a while ago to your post about dental surgery and your friends birthday. SO fantastic! Will have to read it again later! <3

Kassi said...

Your posts always make me hysterical. Awesome :)

As for the hardwood floors -- have you considered something like these: http://www.softpaws.net/colors.html ? They're supposed to work really well.

Rachel said...

Oh my God. The "EEEEEEEEEEEE" noise? My German Shepherd does that when my mom leaves the house. And there is nothing you can do to assure her that she is not going to die unless my mother magically reappears.

kaeilaspn said...

I love this blog :) Your poor dogs. My cat had no idea what was going on when we moved houses and she was very suspicious for a while until she realized she truly didn't really give a crap.

erika said...

crying with laughter quietly at my desk

Kelley said...

These kinds of posts always make me wish you had a dachshund. I used to have two miniature dachshunds that thought they were rotweillers and would try to provoke the German shepherd in the yard next door. I feel like there was material in that backyard rife for your genius creations.

Poor simple dog.

Lizzer said...

Oh god, I love your dogs. And this post.

sbodnar05 said...

Welcome to Oregon!

Julia said...

Oh, and btw, the positive-feedback loop reference was pure joy for us system dynamics types.

the mindblowing kitty said...

EPIC DRAWINGS!

Kelly said...

Oh my gosh. I have tears streaming down my face, but I feel bad for laughing since I know it was probably the worst few days of your life. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

peculiaritea said...

I love your dog posts so much! Thanks for sharing!! :D

*Becky* said...

Oh my hell I have never laughed so hard! This made my day

Anonymous said...

I swear to God, every single one of your posts makes me laugh so hard that I literally have to pause for breath half way through. Good times.

ssd said...

amazing post! we moved into a 5th floor apartment from a ground floor apartment and our special (also rescue) dog who did not understand the elevator for the longest time.

we're pretty sure he thought it was a magic box that just opened and shut with different things outside.

once he got in the elevator as another dog was down the hall. when we got to the fifth floor he sprinted out to see the dog and then was super confused at where said dog had gone... a year later he's figured it out.

your dog related posts make my day!

Anonymous said...

Oh god I laughed so hard throughout this entire thing. Your dogs are hilarious, probably not for you but wow so funny.

Allie said...

I love you and your brilliant dogs.

I have to ask though, what are your dogs names? Because the German shepherd reminds me of my own shepherd mix, Molly.

Anonymous said...

I'm grumpy and sick, but this made me rofl - thank you! :)

Beau said...

I'm pretty sure someone is going to give some long explanation about how you were being inhumane to the animals. Looking forward to that... *facepalm*

I've been fortunate to only move with dogs that were HAPPY ALLDATIME ESPECIALLY IN CARRRRZ!!!!

I hope your new home treats you well! Enjoy Oregon!

Anonymous said...

Your dogs are so much more entertaining than any regular dogs. Hilarious as always :)

Jeremiah said...

Oh my god. This is AMAZING. Please have celebratory nachos. I am going to re-read this about ten times now.

SO GOOD.

Kris said...

These are some of my favorite drawings yet, my god. That burning man is made of epic.

Leah said...

OMG, this was hysterical! My friend's dog is exactly like your special dog... She will enjoy this.

Anonymous said...

I have never laughed so hard in my life XD

Anna said...

My dog is super ok with moving, loves exploring his new space. My cats on the other hand are a completely different story. They act much the same way as your simple dog, meowing like their life is over. Loved the post!!

Chris said...

LLOL (literally laughing out loud)
I think your helper dog thinks too much. Perhaps a psychiatrist, or isn't it allowed on the couch (boom boom)

Amy Lynn said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard, and I'm actually crying from how funny this was. Stuff like this is why I prefer to appreciate other people's dogs and not own any myself. =P

Anonymous said...

We took our dog to Florida and, while he is more "simple", he resorted to the flopping, pathetic mess. Love it!

Kari said...

I love this! OMG I have tearsn of laughter!

But now I'm terrified because we're moving from Hawaii to Maryland with our dog!

Sarah said...

Ohh Darling..

Moving to Bend is bad enough! Why couldn't you have come to awesome Portland?!?!

Sorry your doh dohs were sad.. I just moved from Detroit to Portland so I kinda understand..

:(

Also.. No news update on the finger situation???

were you talking to me? said...

In the Bend/Sisters/Sunriver area, that magical white stuff you call "snow" does exist. It's only a myth up here in the Willamette Valley. When there's even a hint of snow, Portland stops almost completely and people panic. For living in a state that is constantly wet (except during August) you'd think that we would be okay with the concept of a colder, solid version of our "liquid sunshine".
P.S. My 7 year old son loves loves loves your stories about the "simple dog. He's autistic and doesn't really laugh much, but those do. Big belly laughs. Thank you for not only making me laugh, but my little boy too. <3

lotusflwr said...

Oh my god, I went through so many tissues reading this. The one of helper dog flopping around had me in tears for like 5 minutes. Just. WOW.

This post was totally worth the wait. I hope you guys are settling in well in OR <3

Sincerely Yours said...

I think you just killed me. Seriously. I'm dead. I've become a ghost and am doing the Patrick Swayze "Ghost" thing to force the keys to type this now. That was amazing and so worth the wait.

Anonymous said...

Laughing and crying uncontrollably now. We experienced something very similar with our dog when we moved to the next town over a couple of months ago.

Mrs. S said...

My husband may very well want to leave me now that I've spent four minutes straight in whiny laughter at this post, but it was WORTH IT

"Why would you do this to meeeee."

thelaststraw said...

Yay! I'm a dog!

I love your visual representation of the simple dog's "thoughts." Genius.

Ms. MM said...

DAMN that's a lot of comments. I love it! I was dying, and I seriously needed a laugh today. Sounds like your dog and my dog were separated at birth. We haven't had to move while we've had her, but I don't really want to imagine what she'll react as!

I love you! Even though I'm not gay!

purplebirdblog said...

Amazing! Packing suitcases and/or boxes definitely puts my dogs into apocalypse mode!

Anonymous said...

New post!! I'm so excited!! I mean every-sentence-needs-two-exclamation-points excited!! You're dogs are insane, I wouldn't be able to handle that. You are awesome.

Rain said...

Allie, you're my hero. I feel your pain over the incident inspiring this blog post, but it made me laugh so much.

Michelle said...

Yet again... you've done it again. I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying. Gods I love you, woman.

Anonymous said...

"But making high-pitched noises won't solve your problem if your problem is a complete inability to cope with change. "

tell that to the republicans.

SA5MI said...

Laughed hysterically throughout. Bahahahahhaahahhahah

MedusaQ said...

I love this! One of your best posts yet.

Ms. MM said...

And the first picture looks like the cover of some punk metal band. You win.

Daxson said...

Swimming in lava is easier if you wear the arm-floaties.

Anonymous said...

It's like Simple Dog is thinking in Playstation cheats. Triangle! Up! Circle! Circle! X! Bumblebee! Helicopter! Down!

Steve said...

Your blogs/comics are the only ones I've read that actually make me laugh out loud. You are seriously the queen of the internets.

Liz McGlynn said...

Hehe, dawww. PS It is absolutely amazing how many people commented between the time I started reading your post and the time I stopped. I guess I have to be some sort of super speed reader to catch up with these people.

Mary Elizabeth said...

This post made me laugh a lot. When I moved to a new apartment, my cat hid in the bathtub for two days. Not nearly as annoying, but still kind of funny.

Celeste said...

This is hysterical. I haven't yet experienced moving with my dog, but I can only imagine what is going to happen to his tiny mind. It may literally implode if we ever move again lol. Love the post Allie. Definitely very entertaining. My boyfriend and his friend thought I was laughing at them, which I guess convinced them that they are indeed funny when really it was just you. :)

lacienciacohete said...

This stressed me out just reading it. Of course I'm planning to move my dog home next week, so this is also a horror story. Bleeeeerg.

sloth-knits said...

Welcome to the West Coast! That was an awesome post. I love the simple dog's reaction to the booties.

Emily said...

Holy muffins, Allie, there are tears running down my cheeks and I can hardly breathe. That is TOO funny. I, too, am a nervous-dog owner, but luckily these dogs will probably never have to move. Keep up the FABULOUS AND WONDERFUL AND AMAZING work, and congrats on your engagement!

RainingOnYourParade said...

So, which is ultimately worse? The squeaky toy noise, or the "Pity me, I am Simple Dog, I am DYING" noise?

Linkums said...

But... the other dog...? I guess it was just depressed forever.

Anonymous said...

i've never laughed that much in my life. period.

Sarah said...

I am literally laughing so loudly that now my dogs are barking. How appropriate.

So glad you conquered your technical nightmares and got this post up -- it's AWESOME! One of my all-time favorites!

suburp said...

OMG, i am crying. soo funny! i shall proceed to share this everywhere although i know none of my friends will get totally it.
because only i have exactly THIS kind of DOGS. you absolutely made my day!!!
(damn i hope we don't have to move too soon..)

Right at Home said...

Moving with pets is the worst. Not sure if dogs or cats are easier, since I have both. Personally I think driving in the car with 3 cats howling for 9 hours would drive you crazy.

Luckily the husband choose to drive that car while I took the dogs.

Sucker.

Diana said...

My head hurts from laughing so hard! My husband and I are building a house with our own hands in another state, he is living up there working while I'm back home with the dogs (we have 6). My one-eyed neurotic black lab mix has been so worked up because he knows something is different besides daddy being gone. Your description of helper dog sounds so much like my freak dog. Now I'm a little terrified of moving all of them when the time comes. The plan is to stick 4 of them in the back of the Suburban and the other two will go in the car with me. Then we'll have to drive back and figure out how to transport 5 cats, all of whom come down with horrible vomiting and diarrhea when I simply drive them 15 miles into town. Fun times.

Denise said...

Love your story. Last year we cross country from NY to AZ with 5 birds, 4 cats and 3 bunnies. The cats were the worst travelers ever.

Ellen said...

I never laugh so hard as I do when I read your blog. Love it love it love it!

Donna said...

This was so fantastic, it made my day! =D

Mary Elizabeth said...

PS - This post is totally a fighter jet! So awesome.

Sugarbear said...

My husband is in the military. We move every 2 years. We have a dog. Enough said.

abby said...

Positive feedback loop? :) hehe i love bio nerds

Mary said...

I used to drive to another state with my dog every other weekend to visit my boyfriend. Without fail, EVERY SINGLE TIME I started packing, she would start howling and not stop until we got in the car and she realized that she was coming with me.

Lissa said...

I was reading this at work and had to keep myself from laughing hysterically, which probably just resulted in me making a lot of weird breathing noises through my nose.
The stories about your dogs are the best :)

Crystal said...

*delight*

Thank you, Ms Brosh.

Shannon said...

You are amazing: Thank you.

Mandi said...

OMG I am crying from laughing so hard at this!!!

jorg wobblington lopez said...

pooper smell!!!

Helene said...

Amazing!

(lia) said...

This made me laugh so hard my eyes closed and made it momentarily impossible to read. I had to read one sentence at a time, break into hysterical fits of laughter, try at least three times to keep my eyes open, then read another sentence.

If I could marry your blog I would do it.

Bill said...

Love it! Great post lady.

sAm said...

Oh.My.Gosh. I seriously concerned all in the house with my sounds of hilarity (at first), ending with choking gasps for air as I tried to breath through the laughter. Culminating in tears streaming down my face...after which all I could utter was a strangled "Allie" - which was immediately understood and a battle to the computer ensued so others could react in much the same way. Thank you. We needed that.

Tammie said...

I am so glad my dog has never gone through this in our 2 moves with him, and thank goodness they were both within the same general area.

Anonymous said...

Oh my, I have 3 dogs, and I was laughing my ass off the entire time I was reading this.

Heather said...

I'm in total agreeal* with the person who said these are some of your best drawings ever. I was super impressed! Yay you.

**I'm totally going to make this word happen.

Britts said...

I haven't stopped laughing since I began reading the post. It just makes me glad that When I moved across states I didn't get have my puppies.

And that's all without the normal moving problems!

The drawings are amazing. Glad to have you back, hope the squeaky toy has died (we avoid buying those now - it never ends well) and that simple dog is still happy with a toy that doesn't make noise!

Amy said...

Hilarious!

I recently went through something similar with my "simple minded dog" and 3 kids ...5 and under.

Thanks for being awesome!

Anonymous said...

The squeaky toy makes the sound of an animal dying.

Lovely post <3

Jen said...

LOL, I thought I was the only person in the world that had stayed in Umatilla.

Misty said...

HA! Great post.

And welcome to Oregon, btw. We moved here from the midwest almost six years ago. You couldn't pay me to move back.

Anonymous said...

Well worth the wait.

I'm glad to hear that the move occured without any glitches that couldn't be solved by a squeaky toy and maybe some beggin strips. Hopefully your new place will actually have a heater that warms the whole house.

-BobRoberts01

Imagine More said...

what happened to helper dog?

CarrieAnne said...

Oregon is the best!!

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! You're the best, Allie.

Hayleigh said...

Bahahah! I am so glad you wrote about simple dog again! I loved your last post about her.

But now, I have to ask, how did the story end for helper dog?? Has she accepted that you weren't actually escorting her to death's door?

Alix said...

It's 00:54am in the UK and I woke my folks up due to laughing at this post. Apparently the internet isn't funny. My mother knows nothing.

Allie, you are brilliant! :D

Anonymous said...

I told my friend about my simple beagle who loves to look out the window. I made the mistake of saying, "I wonder what she's thinking." He said, "She's thinking ::white noise::" LOL!!!

annanm said...

Dear God, simple dog is most likely related to my dog. Except instead of high pitched wailing, it's straight out barking. It never. ends. Dog is scared? Barking! Dog is happy? Barking! Dog found some foreign object to eat and destroy? Barking!
After a while, you convince yourself you won't even notice it, it's so regular and consistent. But no. The dog is still noisy.
Excellent post, as always.

Lizzytish said...

SO hysterical! I have a simple dog and I cannot stop laughing!

Gabby said...

OH MY GOODNESS
I was dying laughing the whole post
literately
there are tears in my eyes.
<3

Kristina @ spabettie said...

as our dachshund Basil is a neurotic sort also, I completely understood (and laughed) at this... super funny as always...

we are in Portland... I vaguely recall you were talking about Oregon a while ago... snow... Bend??

anyway, WELCOME !!

Keitorin said...

Welcome to Oregon! (I'm in Portland right now, though I'm moving back to Washington next month.) I think you will prefer Oregon weather over Montana weather, but what the hell do I know? I grew up in the PNW.

gusgirl57 said...

OMG! I really should go pee before I read your work. My husband kept hovering over the last one in nine-one-one, because I laughed so hard he thought I was going to stop breathing! Too funny!! I love you...er, your stuff..yeah! That's it!

Allison Stillwell said...

Holy shit this made me laugh so hard. I just found out that one of my favorite patients has had her cancer spread to her brain, so this is definitely something I needed after dealing with that the last couple of days.

My name is also Allie. I have two dogs. One is named Zoë and she is a simple dog who is tricolor. The other is Bellamy and he is Zoë's helper dog. Reading your dog posts is the highlight of any day -- I've been known to pull up your blog in-clinic to get some laughter during the day as I work on the clinical side of cancer research and days can be really tough. Thank you so much for making me laugh :D.

carolynpkao said...

YOU MAKE MY DAYS INFINITELY BETTER AND COMPLETE MY LIFE.

Mark said...

Your gripping narrative and tack-sharp photography are like humorous crack for me. Please don't ever stop or I will gnaw of my limbs or something.

Anonymous said...

I shouldn't have read this in the library. I'm getting odd looks as I try to stop laughing.

Whimzy Mountain Gal said...

I hope the doggies are doing better for your sake! Thanks for the post.

uriah01002 said...

I love your blog, and this post was awesome. *wipes tears*

I once moved from Ca to NY with a cockatiel who threw up the entire time, whist ringing a little bell toy he had in the cage. Every few minutes or so, he'd head down to his dish to reload. So for, what, 4 days? we had ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding blurp ding-a-ding-a-ding blurp...clang clang as he climbed down... repeat.... repeat.... repeat...

I got rid of the bell when we reached our destination. He's still alive. :)

Kristin said...

You are so talented. The first drawing of the lava skeleton in flippers is incredible.

Rebekah said...

Welcome to Oregon!!! Forever better because of YOU!

Kylee said...

Why do I ever read this blog while I'm at work? Why?

I'm going to have a seizure while trying to hold in my laughter.

Anonymous said...

Both of those dogs-in-booties pics need to be on t-shirts.

Lisa said...

OH MY GOSH! I am still wiping away the tears! This is hysterical! Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hope they have recovered!

Damon said...

I laughed so hard I cried!

I.M. said...

Aww haha, poor dogs. I love your writing :3 It makes me laugh so much. Please continue to grace us with your fantastic sense of humor.

I.M.

Aubergenie said...

Laughed out loud. GENIUS.

Rose said...

Yes, we have 2 cats and one is convinced that any box (other than the ones Amazon orders come in) means moving houses is imminent. Worried faces ensue.

I feel bad that your moving was made worse by the aminals!

faemaochasiubao said...

Oh Allie! It's absolutely fabulous! You really have a gift! Thank you so much for making me laugh. Is helper dog still flopping about the house or has she come to the realization that life has not ended? I love that you tried spooning the simple dog to comfort her. Did you and Boyfriend take turns? LOL! I am glad I got to read this before heading home from work!

Laynie said...

OMg, you totally have to take video of the dogs in their shoes. I laughed until I couldn't breathe, until I had tears rolling down my face, until no sound was coming out at all except for a soft wheeze. My husband thought I sprained something laughing, then told me I'd burst his eardrums with my cackling.

It's ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

Lauren P said...

This made me laugh so. hard. Thank you, I needed a lot of cheering up c:

Maia said...

BEST POST EVAAAR! The drawings in this one are some of your best so far- the first one was so amazing I just had to stare at it for a few minutes in awe before starting to read :)
Keep up the splendiferous work Allie!

Brandy said...

This made me laugh out loud, and not the fake "LOL" kind, actual laughter that people heard and turned to look at what I was laughing at.

Angie said...

This is great! You make me laugh out loud every time I read your posts!

Joe Pate said...

This was so worth the wait, and the temporary drama of a premature post death (eeeeeeeeeee) only enhances it somehow, as if helper dog thought it was part of the nefarious plot to crush her will. The lava pic needs to be a t-shirt sooooo badly (or better yet, so well)

Thanks Allie!

MsWastedPotential said...

I wish I could be like your simple dog. So easily pleased.. ahhh bliss.

Nik said...

We must have the exact same dogs. Same colors and everything. Hysterical, I can't stop laughing and pointing at my dogs.

Anonymous said...

SO FUNNY! I know how annoying and stressful it is to move. i have done so 4 times in the past 3 years, but no pets to move yet. I can only imagine their confusion and distress. I know my kitten freaked out for the 45 minute drive to visit my friend. she made a similar sound to your simple dog. I also sometimes think my cat is simple, she runs into a lot of walls.
-Karen

Anonymous said...

you are so amazing! I was really laughing out loud the whole time, had to pause for breath and even hit the table with my fist a few times. You made me abuse my table. thanks!
genius!

Ashley Rose said...

ahaha this is wonderful. Moving pets is never easy so bravo... for the squeeze toy? haha.
When I was 5 my family moved about an equal distance (from close to Calgary, Alberta, to Vancouver, BC) and when we finally arrived to our new house my mom left her keys in the car, not expecting her 5 year old daughter to be diligent and lock and close all the doors.
We had two cats and a dog all in the car and had to wait for a few hours for the towtruck people to arrive.
**all animals were totally okay, maybe a little traumatized but okay!

Allie said...

O for awesome.

Eduarda said...

ONE OF THE BEST POSTS EVER!
I love how you draw your dogs and I can picture them doing this kinda stuff.
Thanks for being awesome and the queen of internet.
Ps: I bought an "Alot T-shirt" but they took several days to ship to Brazil :( I'm excited!

heatherbat said...

oh my god, this made me laugh so hard both the dog AND the cat came over to investigate what in god's name had gone so horribly wrong with me.

Anonymous said...

You have the same exact dogs as me! Spot on, girl!

Anonymous said...

Welcome to Oregon~ Fortunately, the semi-constant precipitation will put out the lava that is chasing you, and your fins will make it infinitely easier to move around here. I don't know how the weather is in Bend, but at Pacific University (nearish to Portland/Hillsboro area), it's been raining for about three solid days with no breaks.

My mother's cat did something similar when she moved from Portland to Denver - something that helped a lot was feeding her peanut butter and putting butter between her toes. The peanut butter helped with the yowling a LOT. If your dogs start to freak out again you might try that. :3

Anonymous said...

OMG I officially love you.

Jocelyn and Jason said...

Holy cow. Hilarious.

Chani said...

I am literally crying with laughter trying not to wake up my boyf but the helper dog flopping picture was just too good. Oh my brains did like, I can sleep happy now and dream of the crazy dogs who feel the same way about moving as I do.

Anonymous said...

This post totally reminded me of you in the God of Cake post. Too Funny!

melsense.com said...

In your drawing of you walking both dogs, helper dog's whole stance, face, everything is soooooooo hilarious!!!! I laughed out loud at that alone!! And it's so realistically dog-like! I love it.

That and the drawing of helper dog choosing to flop/roll from place to place rather than walk in booties, are my faves!! All classics though...

Teresa said...

Hilarious as always!! My husband had to move one of my half-siamese cats cross country on an airplane and he thought her constant meowing was bad. I am totally forwarding this to him! Your dogs sound awesome, as odd as they are. Nice job making the drive with all of the howling!!

Anonymous said...

loved it as usual, your dogs are so much fun!

renkris said...

The opening graphic with the lava burn looks AMAZING.

Pahz said...

My 140 pound "killer" Rottweiler refused to go outside in the snow to do "business" because his feet would get cold. He'd pick one front paw up and whine, then pick up the opposite rear paw. He'd balance on his two legs for a moment before falling flat on his face. It was funny maybe three times.

I knitted him some yellow booties and while he refused to go into the yard without them, he'd growl at me and push his snout against my hand as I tied them onto his feet.

The best part was that he'd walk like a high-stepping show horse while wearing them.

I still miss that dog.

osteopathosaurus said...

Allie you did it again... laughed so hard I cried. Love it! Glad you survived the move.

Sarah said...

I haven't laughed that hard in about a week and a half. This post was 1000% worth waiting for. You are fantastic.

<3

simplywhitney said...

haha i love this! when my roommate and i first moved into our apartment, her dog started territory pooping.almost every day, in front of the fireplace,she'd poop in little crop circles.and now,every time something changes (if we get another dog staying with us,for example) she'll crop circle territory poop throughout the house.

Anonymous said...

I cannot express enough how funny this was. I haven't laughed till I cried in a long long time. Thank you.

Fran said...

Super awesome post! Worth the wait. Laughed until I cried. Reminded me of when my late :( dog had surgery and the doctor put one of those cones around her head. It was a big dog cone and she was a small dog. Didn't see the problem until she went to eat or drink and the cone hit the ground, but her mouth was so far up the cone she couldn't get anything. God, I miss my baby!!!!

The Weed said...

My dog arched her back, paused ominously, and then sprayed diarrhea all over the seat and my lap when I moved to Oregon. So, clearly moves to Oregon necessitate the jettisoning of digested food out of orifices.

Hilarious post, as always!

dean said...

Yay Allie is back!...

Yes I know this is my first post, it took a couple of weeks to read the entire blog from back in 2009 to current... But I did.

Glad you are back, enjoy the new casa!

Carrie Mesiar said...

Oh....my abs hurt really badly now. I cannot tell you how much your posts make my day. One day at work I spent nearly two hours reading your posts and laughing so hard I that I cried on more than one occasion. I laughed, I cried, it moved me, Bob.
YOU ARE FANTASTIC!

JAMen said...

Dude. We have moved across the country four times. With a kid. And thrice with a neurotic cat. So each time I read "helper dog" I inserted "kid" and each time I read "Simple dog" I inserted "neurotic cat."

Thanks for letting me relive my hell through yours. Oh, and it reads well either way...just so you know.

Kitsune said...

German shepherds tend to be so hysterical. My sis has one and I'm sure the dog thinks he's been abandoned every time he's alone in the yard, no matter if he hears the noises of my nephews coming from inside the house.

artfuldodger said...

My husband and I were griping about our puppy's insistence on being melodramatic every time we walk out of the room, and this was posted in the middle of that conversation................

This has helped us regain some sanity.

Sarah Lindahl said...

You are brilliant! I love your simple dog with all my heart.

Coleen said...

Oh. My. God. This was HILARIOUS! (And almost exactly the same thing that happened to me when me and my boyfriend moved into a new apartment with our two dogs!)

Anonymous said...

This post is win wrapped up in hilarity and covered in excellence.

Chrisfs said...

On the plus side, you live in Oregon now! :)

Anonymous said...

This post is win wrapped up in hilarity and covered in excellence.

Heather said...

Your simple dog is just like one of my dogs, and she's the same way...she even has this AWFUL high-pitched noise that she makes, always late at night after my husband has gone to bed. Senior Dog (that's the nickname I'd give my other dog...she's old and kind of bitchy) and I just glare at her, willing her to shut up because there is absolutely nothing wrong.

Simone Says... said...

hahahaha - both times i drove across country, my boy dog made that same horrific high-pitched sound and panted his hot rotten breath into the front seat. during a pit-stop in nashville, he jumped out of the car and ran away. we found him, but he was never quite the same...

good luck in OR. beautiful state.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that was probably the best one yet. I am dying of laugh.

RudeGirl said...

Once again, I laughed until I cried. You have such a knack for telling a story, and you always make my day brighter. Thanks Allie!

Gayhanminguk said...

So many super-hearts are being sent your way right now through the magic of t'internet.

Anna said...

oh no stop it hurts it hurts

Amy Greenan said...

Oh my god. This story made me laugh so uncontrollably that my boyfriend insist that I stop reading it (NO! I have to see what happens!) and caused my cats to express extreme concern for me.

Thank you for sharing your amazing gift of storytelling, both written and visual.

Ben said...

I feel your pain, when we moved to Indianapolis, from Grand Rapids, MI. Our cats were distraught, one cat didn't stop yowling the whole trip down. Yes six hours of yowling was "fun".

Tracie said...

You are a comedic genius! Thank you for making our lives better!!! Please tell us when/how Helper Dog becomes comfortable in her new home. I'm worried about her.

mimartiste said...

this is the BEST post i have ever read

Kayle said...

<3 your dogs

racheleanore said...

Cats don't understand moving either. One of my cats reacts to moving with: MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW!!!! *hyperventilate* MEOWMEOWMEOWMEOW!!!! constantly. For 6 hours.

The other one is all "meow. meow. meow. *20 minute silence* *simultaneous retching and pooping* meow."

In all honesty, the retching and pooping is preferable because at least that is momentary and easily fixed. Panicked cat refused to be consoled by anything except undivided attention. Which I cannot provide when I am the only one in the car and I'm driving.

The one saving grace is that once in the new place, they're totally fine. As if the scary moving never happened.

I sometimes think animals reflect our truest and innermost feelings that society prevents us from expressing.

Except for the pooping. That's just gross.

Anonymous said...

The picture of the dogs sprinting around is what did me in. Awesome.

walkingtalkingencyclopedia said...

My dog (a mini dachshund) also knows the instant we take out a suitcase that an extended car ride is sure to follow. However, unlike your simple dog, she looooves car rides and this is good because we drive from Oklahoma to Michigan and back at least twice a year. The only thing she doesn't like about the car ride is when the window gets rolled down... then she will flip her shit.

I have to say, I love, love, LOVE your blog. I'm going to randomly burst into the "EEEEEEE" noise now.

Beth M said...

Hahaha, the dog throwing up sequence was the best part of the whole post!! I love that dog's expressions (in your drawings), it makes me love his retardedness.

ktjane said...

This post=awesome! I laughed until I cried! Glad to see you up and posting again.

Pocketcop said...

Love it! My dog gets excited when she vomits too - she'll come running over afterwards with her tail wagging like crazy and a big, frothy grin, and it's like 'Look! Come look! I made ART!'. And then she'll try to lick you :P

Anonymous said...

I lol'ed hard... but there wasn't any blue this time?

Kate. said...

I turned on my computer... no new post... sad. I made dinner... came back... new post!!!! YAY!!! Oh! and your drawings are better with each post. Keep up the great work.

Erin said...

I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time! I just discovered your blog today and I am so glad I did!

The Girl Herself said...

OMG! Thank you for this fear-inspiring post! I'm about to move across three states with two dogs! One of them does sort of make a noise like a nuclear reactor alert when he's upset too.... I'm doomed!

Anonymous said...

One word: Drugs

Either for you or the dogs. Either way it's a win.

Anonymous said...

Fabulous!!!

CopperKaNikki said...

I LOVE your dogs!! They sound so hilarious and infuriating. XD

Anonymous said...

This made me so happy! My dogs do the same things! You captured them perfectly!

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